The Hoops Cooperative presents

NEWCASTLE—Master of ceremonies, disk jockey, basketball historian and NBL entertainment guru Clinton Canidae is in the early preparations of launching a rival national basketball league. "It's no coincidence that the dip in the league popularity is in line with the loss of a professional team in the Newcastle region. There is no true national league without us," Clinton declared. "Basketball needs Newcastle, but Newcastle needs this as well. Guys like Hurley are struggling to find work. Butch Hayes has resorted to drastic age reversing plastic surgery to get an import gig with the Hawks."

"Dr J has made it hard. It's been difficult to find work after basketball. People just don't believe that I'm a real doctor," explained Newcastle basketball legend Adrian Hurley. "Then they start asking about Darren Ng like I know the guy."

Hurley stopped short of throwing his full support behind Clinton, but indicated he'd do anything required to help basketball in Newcastle and put food on the table.

It's rumoured that Shaun Dennis has been forced to look for work in New Zealand. "New Zealand!!" Clinton exclaimed shaking his head with astonishment. "How can a national league expect to prosper without these Newcastle stalwarts?"

Clinton isn't alone, though. He's building a formidable team around his ostentatious plan. "NBL fans have lost faith in these NBL has-beens. Sengstock and Harmison have had their chance. I'll be bringing in my own people. I've worked with some great people in
the NBL, but we need fresh blood. Jay Foxx is my right hand man who I first met on the inside, of, the Criterion Hotel. I'm really throwing everything behind this bid. My music has made me millions but realistically it's just a hobby. It just puts food on the table, basketball is my passion. I'll pour every cent I have into this if need be. We're in it for the long haul, Foxx is my life long partner, in, business."

While it's clear that the NBL does need change, attention to detail is a necessity. "Look, these guys don't even know what number Grant Kruger wore. Without all the pertinent information, how are they going to make the really important decisions?"

GOLD COAST--The leader of the free world woke up to some more surprising news this morning after being named as the week 4 NBL Player of the Week. In his address to a largely AFL knowledgeable media contingent Obama said, "I am both surprised and deeply humbled by this award. I will accept this award as a call to action. A call for all fans to get behind the league in it's challenges to become a legitimate sporting league in this country". Surely averaging a near triple double in his first three games as the Blaze new import, he led his team to a 0-2 record this week. The former California Bear Guard has added some scoring swagger to the Blaze backcourt since his arrival.

"Many basketball supporters still haven't picked up on the start of the season, let alone the signing of the first NBL import with presidential credentials," explained NBL reporter Matt McQuade. "Although the voting must have been close, I do favour giving this weeks award to Obama to really spark an interest in the League".

It couldn't come at a better time for the Blaze who are in negotiation with another major sponsor, this time with a major law firm specialising in liquidation law. "We don't want to disclose too much in these early stages," an anonymous club source has disclosed. "The firm seems to be a good fit for the NBL market right now. I'll steal a Sengstockism here and say that we are very hopeful. Very very hopeful."

Also in strong consideration was Nelson Mandela who played a strong role in ending his team's 27 year stay as the league cellar dwellers. His next goal is to establish a quota for black athletes in the NBL, bucking the apartheid trend set by the Melbourne Tigers. Mandela's actions may force the Tigers hand into picking up a US import, and the NBL have indicated an African American will get a concession in the NBL Player Points Cap.

Russell Hinder was also a POTW candidate with 16 blocks in his stellar defensive performance against Adelaide. In another surprise, a single POTW vote was lodged for Daniel Joyce, and officials are trying to determine who may have lodged such a vote using a form appearing to be from last season. It seems that the voting form letterhead was somehow modified to reflect the new name of the revamped league.

SYDNEY—With this year’s Movember season fast approaching, Wollongong Hawks forward Larry Davidson has made a bold statement to the competition during yesterday’s press conference held by Basketball Australia, initially intended to announce a decision regarding a change of season.

Davidson made a spectacular appearance late in the press conference, frantically running into the room from a Wollongong Hawks minibus. Davidson’s appearance came exactly one hour and fifteen minutes after the small media contingent vocalised their disapproval of being lured to a press conference for the announcement of essentially nothing -- Basketball Australia's "no change of season" announcement.

Sitting besides a visibly relieved Sengstock, Davidson declared that he will "win Movember" by committing himself to produce the best set of mos in the league, starting with the fresh Mohawk that he recently unveiled.

Under Movember rules, the growth of the moustache must start in November. However, Davidson stated that he is able to bring out another form of Mo’, the Mohawk, before the commencement of Movember since it is not explicitly banned in the rules. "I’m merely exploiting a loophole since there are technically no such restrictions determining when a Mohawk can be grown," Davidson said.

"It’s a definite loophole," Melbourne Tigers co-owner Seamus McPeake confirmed via phone link. "I was aware of that loophole when I helped write the rules for Movember. I gave my team the heads-up about it last month so we could also exploit it."

McPeake was disappointed that his team was not the first to benefit from the loophole, as is usually the case, but added, "why create it if you aren't going to use it?"

Anticipating fierce competition among the players, Davidson made his intentions clear with an ominous warning to his competition. "This wicked Mohawk is just the beginning," Davidson told the reporter. "I’m for real about Movember this year. This aint Mocktober. I’m taking this seriously."

"I’m gonna be even more committed than during the last novelty hair-growth event that I participated in, ‘Gandalf month’," Davidson told our source.

"Okay, ‘Gandalf month’ turned out to be just a practical joke created by my teammates," Davidson conceded, "but my teammates all agreed that I totally won it. I even shouted “you shall not pass!” on defense. That's how committed I can be with these things."

Davidson was, however, bewildered when asked if there should be more events such as this to raise awareness for mens' health issues. "What’s mens' health got to do with any of this?"

MELBOURNE--After the unexpected controversy surrounding his appearance on the Hey Hey Reunion Special, Harry Connick Jnr. was expecting a relaxed night in front of the television to sample some Australian-flavoured hoops action in his hotel room. But he was shocked to see yet another racially insensitive image on his TV screen.

"I can't believe it!" Connick said, exasperated. "There was some guy on the New Zealand team -- CJ somethin' -- who was apparently tryin' to mock black Americans by dressing up like a golliwog.  I heard him interviewed and he's got an Australian accent, but tryin' real hard to sound like a black American.

"He's trying to impersonate a black American -- the golliwog wig, the attempted accent, and he probably has a painted black face, too.

"After a successful 3 point basket he did this exaggerated hands-in-the-air routine, again tryin' to mock the buffoonery of black Americans.

"To top it off, he top-scored with 32 points, again reinforcing the stereotype that black people are better at basketball than everyone else. Sorry, I don't mean to bring things down, but I find that racist and offensive."

Radio talkback switchboards again lighted up with this new wave of controversy. "Mr. Bruton is obviously a racist.  He is ignorant to not know about American culture in a historical sense like that," a caller on a talkback radio show said. "You can't put your hair up in a golliwog style like that and think it's alright.   This is the 21st century, Mr. Bruton! This lack of historical knowledge of black-white America race relations clearly suggests that Australia is backwards and racist."

"Every culture in the world should be aware of the historically racist connotations that exist with blackfaces and golliwog wigs," another caller commented.  "If they don't, clearly they need to watch much more American TV to learn that these kind of things are taboo in American culture, and therefore should be taboo everywhere else."

Asked how they will know that it is taboo, the caller said, "They'll know [it's taboo] because painted face routines are conspicuously absent in the States.  Unless you watch White Chicks or Tropic Thunder -- but they were okay because they were moderately funny with more professional makeup."

"Everyone ought to be offended by this CJ's golliwog impersonation," another caller said.
"This CJ ought to know better!  Apparently he has an American father. Doesn't even his father know anything about black American history, apart from, of course, the black tradition of naming your son after yourself?"

CAIRNS—Australian national team assistant coach Shane Heal has finally discovered the name of the league that he has been contracted to commentate.  Joining Brian Taylor in the Foxsports commentary booth, Shane Heal watched the Cairns Taipans comfortably defeat the Gold Coast Blaze tonight at the Cairns Convention Centre.

When asked to comment on the national league just a week prior to the start of the season, Shane Heal was at a loss to comment. "What league?" Heal told The West Australian newspaper.

"I thought Fox called me out to Cairns for a well deserved holiday after helping them out so many times with commentary in the past," Heal told our source. "I didn’t even know the Taipans were still around."

"Turns out the new-NBL exists and is actually still called the NBL," Heal said in a surprised tone. "Who would’ve thought the league could’ve survived the retirement of The Hammer... again?"

"The Hammer leaves Sydney. Soon after they fold. The Hammer leaves the Dragons. Soon after they fold. Even Brisbane struggled with the help of a billionaire owner to survive without me. Coincidence? I think not!"

SYDNEY--As has become a tradition of Basketball Australia’s quarterly meetings, the issue of a switch of season has been brought up for discussion, a league spokesman stated. The last major switch of season occurred in 1998 when the league went from a winter sport to a summer sport.  This coincided with the already existent steady decline in popularity of the sport.

“Of course, we haven’t agreed on the most appropriate switch of season for the national league yet,” Basketball Australia chief Larry Sengstock said following the meeting. “However, to demonstrate that our discussions regarding this issue are not completely futile and do produce definite decisions leading to tangible outcomes, we have unanimously voted to approve the switch from spring to summer for the 1st of December. This additionally keeps us in line with FIBA standards which state that ‘FIBA competitions must adhere to the same seasonal nomenclature as is standard in each respective country’. This puts us even more in line with FIBA standards.”

“This marks yet another productive outcome for Basketball Australia, as we also voted a few weeks ago in favour of a switch from winter to spring on September 1,” Sengstock added.

MELBOURNE—In what is being described as a masterful maneuver in time management by Basketball Australia chief Larry Sengstock, an NBL fan plans to use the 8 minutes lost game time – a result of the change from a 48 minute game to a 40 minute game – to wait in line to buy a hot snack.

"Last season I’d leave to get hot food at half-time and I’d usually miss about 8 minutes of game time waiting in line to buy hot food," local fan Jim Garrison told the reporter at the hastily arranged news conference. "I figured if I timed my arrival to the hot food area well enough so that it overlapped with the 8 minutes of lost game time, I wouldn't miss any action. I’d be able to see the whole game!"

Basketball Australia head Larry Sengstock heralded this as yet another shining example of the benefit of the reduction to a 40 minute game, along with "a lower average number of controversial refereeing decisions per game" and "a lower average number of turnovers per game, surely indicative of a higher quality of play."

TOWNSVILLE—Townville Crocodiles import point guard, Corey Williams, was inconsolable yesterday when a teammate let it slip that the National Basketball League used to have a program called "Taking it to the Streets".

The disclosure was produced by Cameron Tovey’s flippant response to yet another assertion by Williams that he is the best streetballer in the universe following a Williams drive through heavy traffic resulting in a simple layup.

"The NBL’s not streetball, dude," a frustrated Tovey said according to our sources. "The closest thing was the Taking it to the Streets games of a few years ago, but we don’t do that shit anymore!"

Upon hearing that he missed out on an apparent streetball version of the NBL – one which had the added bonus of the acronym "TITTS" – Williams displayed a rare moment of vulnerability and immediately broke down into tears in the corner of the gym.

"The years of projecting an ultra-confident exterior must have finally got to him," Townville coach Trevor Gleeson told our source. "You can only hold up that facade for so long. Underneath the confident bravado he is actually a deeply troubled man.  He spends his life seeking validation from others because his father was very critical of him when he was growing up. To compensate for this lack of support, he has established an extremely arrogant persona, an alter-ego of sorts.

"But don’t tell him that, will you? His whole game is based on harnessing this feigned confidence."

"It was an honest mistake," Crocs forward Cameron Tovey said about his slip-up. "I know coach didn’t want him to know about it. All he talks about in training is how he is the silver surfer, the most dangerous player in streetball, NBA killer, The King of Streetball. I had enough, you know."

"I have to admit I wasn’t really thinking, just like when I play a game," Tovey admitted.

The Crocs staff and players quickly agreed not to tell Williams the true nature of the Taking it to the Streets program.  They agreed it was better for Williams to release these emotions than tell him his mental breakdown was based on a misunderstanding.

During the emotional outburst, Williams remained coiled up in the corner of the gym. "In New York City born and raised, on the playground where I spent most of my days," Williams was overheard attempting console himself while quietly sobbing. "Chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool, and all shooting some b-ball outside of the school," he mumbled before falling asleep.

He was later overheard mumbling in his sleep, "why aint I never not good enough for ya, pappa?"

This mumbled statement was enough to register his tenth triple-negative of the session, a new league record. When told of his double-digit triple-negative the next day, Williams proudly stated, "yo, yo, I told you! I told you! You aint thought I couldn't top the 23 threes in a game for impressiveness. Here's another record to the most dangerous player in streetball! Aint not nobody can beat the NBA killer!"

GOLD COAST—After recently discovering the ease at which Wikipedia entries can be edited, Boomers assistant coach Shane Heal has updated his own Wikipedia entry to make mention of his childhood hero, himself. 

A witness claims Heal sneaked into the Blaze office at lunchtime today to access the internet.

"Shane Heal spent countless hours practicing against his best known opponent: himself," the entry states. "During these formative years practicing in the backyard, Heal learned off himself to develop the deadly mental attitude that created a champion. As so many others have gone on to view him, Heal was a hero; in this particular case, to himself."

Heal then proceeded to edit Nathan Jawai’s Wikipedia page, according to the witness.  According to the updated Wikipedia entry, Nathan Jawai's relatively dominant form during the recent Boomers tour was largely due to the "inspiration provided by having his childhood idol act as an assistant coach".

According to the entry -- and contrary to numerous media reports -- Jawai started playing basketball at age 5 in the "outer Brisbane suburb of Bamaga" looking up to his favourite Bullets player, Shane Heal. 

The entry also suggests that Jawai was allured to the power of Andre Moore's game, but ultimately decided to idolise Shane Heal "surely due to his stylish platinum blonde hair, never-say-die attitude, unstoppable baseline fade-away, and less Asian-like skin tone."

MELBOURNE—Coming off an emphatic grand final win, South Dragons co-owner Mark Cowan has shocked the league by announcing the withdrawal of the South Dragons from the 2009/10 competition citing an "unfair competitive advantage".

"We’re just too damn good now," Cowan told our source. "The professionalism – on and, especially, off the court – of the Dragons organisation has been the shining beacon in an otherwise gloomy league. We have the best marketing department, the best website, the best remote control blimp – which was my idea, by the way. We also have the best uniforms, and the best financial backing… I mean, best players. As Freddy Mercury so eloquently put it during our grand final celebrations, we have "no time for losers".  So why bother playing against them again?"

Cowan revealed that everything had gone to plan in his mission to bring his own NBL team to championship glory, even the wooden spoon of the previous season. "C’mon, who would’ve appointed Shane Heal as player-coach if they were serious about winning? Raphael Geminder and I both operate successful businesses.  Do you think we're that stupid?  We just wanted to set another league record before taking out the ultimate prize this season.  It’s like a cat toying with a mouse."

The dominance of the Dragons side was such that they needed to play down to the level of the competition to make it a more interesting spectacle. "To outside observers it may have appeared to be an epic, evenly matched grand final series, but the only reason it went to 5 games was because we wanted more playoff income," Cowan revealed. "We’re so good that we can do that.”

The withdrawal of the Dragons from the NBL poses further problems league-wide.  Sources inside NBL headquarters state that the league is outraged by the decision. "If we learned anything from the independent review, it was the importance of having an eight team competition," a league spokesman told journalists. "Not seven, eight!"

"Now that the Dragons are gone, I suppose we’ll have to let Wollongong back in."