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GOLD COAST—Peroxide Hall-of-Famer Shane Heal has announced breaking a record of basketball legend Michael Jordan: the number of retirements.

Retiring from the role of Australian Men's Boomers assistance coach, Heal admitted that surpassing a Jordan record was a life-time goal.

"This has always been a dream of mine. This, and punching Joey Wright in the face, which should happen soon enough, hopefully," Heal told the press conference, alluding to his upcoming boxing contest with bitter rival Joey Wright.

Heal claimed during the press conference that he has retired from the Boomers, again, to focus on his investment business, but leaked documents from Heal's local gymnasium suggest that Heal has created more free-time to work on his fitness in order to pummel Joey Wright in their upcoming boxing contest.

"Heal's been in the gym non-stop," a source at the gymnasium stated. "He's even been forgetting to dye his hair. He stays here real late, getting Chinese food delivered here. 
He calls the restaurant the 'ching-chong ling-long ting-tong food people'."

Meanwhile, Adelaide 36ers head coach Marty Clarke has been appointed Heal's replacement. Boomers head coach Brett Brown stated that he needed an equally unsuccessful NBL coach, someone experienced in losing, to better console players during 
inevitable defeat.

"It's like the NBA, trades must be fair," Brown told reporters. "One wooden spoon NBL coach traded for another."
 


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