ADELAIDE—Alternative hoops tournament High Stakes Hoops is awaiting a response from aspiring media dictator Senator Stephen Conroy to release the full roster list for each team in next week’s exciting new week-long tournament.

Conroy has refused to release the full list of names of participants saying it would provide people instant access to the currently banned material. As the list hasn’t been classified as yet, its current status is ‘Refused Classification (RC)’ and is to be withheld from public viewing.

High Stakes Hoops has been required to stall the production of playing uniforms as names haven’t been granted approval. “We may need to resort to nicknames like those stupid Wildcats jerseys from the early ‘90s,” a source within High Stakes Hoops admitted.

The retardation of the classification process is believed to be due to concern over names on the list that may be offensive to young children, particularly the appearance of the name Sean Lampley. The classification board is considering applying a new classification for the list, “MA: contains immature wankers”, but this would necessitate a re-classification of other material, such as The Footy Show. After providing the free-to-air networks with an unjustified $250m license rebate in February, Conroy said he didn’t want to offend one of his “new best mates”, Eddie McGuire, by reclassifying free-to-air television shows.

Conroy’s office is also concerned about “an apparent drug-related theme” of the tournament. Conroy has stated his concerns over the team names Reef as it “sounds all too similar to Reefers”, the Rush as it “appears to attempt to promote the rush of consuming illicit drugs”, and the Coasters as it “endorses beer consumption, albeit in a table surface-friendly manner”.

In unsurprising related news, this publication has been provided with a leaked document revealing roster lists for next week’s tournament. Senator Stephen Conroy has promptly claimed the list is not current, but an older version that ACMA had used “before we erased the phallic sketches on the side of the document”.

An anonymous hacker has claimed responsibility for the leak. Conroy claims the hacker used the latest in advanced communication technology to steal the list. The hacker allegedly rang Senator Conroy’s office claiming to be Conroy’s local Catholic priest, Father Thomas, requesting updated details of the banned list. The response from Conroy implied that Thomas was an ACMA consultant and included an updated list of banned pedophile sites “for [Thomas’s] perusal” and an updated list of Conroy’s “Top 10 Beats”.

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