分类: Heal - The Bball Scoop
 
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GOLD COAST—Peroxide Hall-of-Famer Shane Heal has announced breaking a record of basketball legend Michael Jordan: the number of retirements.

Retiring from the role of Australian Men's Boomers assistance coach, Heal admitted that surpassing a Jordan record was a life-time goal.

"This has always been a dream of mine. This, and punching Joey Wright in the face, which should happen soon enough, hopefully," Heal told the press conference, alluding to his upcoming boxing contest with bitter rival Joey Wright.

Heal claimed during the press conference that he has retired from the Boomers, again, to focus on his investment business, but leaked documents from Heal's local gymnasium suggest that Heal has created more free-time to work on his fitness in order to pummel Joey Wright in their upcoming boxing contest.

"Heal's been in the gym non-stop," a source at the gymnasium stated. "He's even been forgetting to dye his hair. He stays here real late, getting Chinese food delivered here. 
He calls the restaurant the 'ching-chong ling-long ting-tong food people'."

Meanwhile, Adelaide 36ers head coach Marty Clarke has been appointed Heal's replacement. Boomers head coach Brett Brown stated that he needed an equally unsuccessful NBL coach, someone experienced in losing, to better console players during 
inevitable defeat.

"It's like the NBA, trades must be fair," Brown told reporters. "One wooden spoon NBL coach traded for another."
 
CAIRNS—Australian national team assistant coach Shane Heal has finally discovered the name of the league that he has been contracted to commentate.  Joining Brian Taylor in the Foxsports commentary booth, Shane Heal watched the Cairns Taipans comfortably defeat the Gold Coast Blaze tonight at the Cairns Convention Centre.

When asked to comment on the national league just a week prior to the start of the season, Shane Heal was at a loss to comment. "What league?" Heal told The West Australian newspaper.

"I thought Fox called me out to Cairns for a well deserved holiday after helping them out so many times with commentary in the past," Heal told our source. "I didn’t even know the Taipans were still around."

"Turns out the new-NBL exists and is actually still called the NBL," Heal said in a surprised tone. "Who would’ve thought the league could’ve survived the retirement of The Hammer... again?"

"The Hammer leaves Sydney. Soon after they fold. The Hammer leaves the Dragons. Soon after they fold. Even Brisbane struggled with the help of a billionaire owner to survive without me. Coincidence? I think not!"