GOLD COAST—Peroxide Hall-of-Famer Shane Heal has announced breaking a record of basketball legend Michael Jordan: the number of retirements.

Retiring from the role of Australian Men's Boomers assistance coach, Heal admitted that surpassing a Jordan record was a life-time goal.

"This has always been a dream of mine. This, and punching Joey Wright in the face, which should happen soon enough, hopefully," Heal told the press conference, alluding to his upcoming boxing contest with bitter rival Joey Wright.

Heal claimed during the press conference that he has retired from the Boomers, again, to focus on his investment business, but leaked documents from Heal's local gymnasium suggest that Heal has created more free-time to work on his fitness in order to pummel Joey Wright in their upcoming boxing contest.

"Heal's been in the gym non-stop," a source at the gymnasium stated. "He's even been forgetting to dye his hair. He stays here real late, getting Chinese food delivered here. 
He calls the restaurant the 'ching-chong ling-long ting-tong food people'."

Meanwhile, Adelaide 36ers head coach Marty Clarke has been appointed Heal's replacement. Boomers head coach Brett Brown stated that he needed an equally unsuccessful NBL coach, someone experienced in losing, to better console players during 
inevitable defeat.

"It's like the NBA, trades must be fair," Brown told reporters. "One wooden spoon NBL coach traded for another."
Deputy leader Shane Heal
GOLD COAST—Australian national team assistant coach Shane Heal is set to mount a challenge against current head coach Brett Brown, according to an anonymous source within the Boomers camp. Mysterious right-handed faction leaders, only known by the pseudonyms “Hammer” and “#23”, have been in the process of drumming up support for the change behind closed doors.

Polling figures suggest that the Boomers prospects for a successful 2010 World Championship campaign have suffered a severe blow under the reign of current Boomers head coach Brett Brown, with the expectation for a top 4 finish falling from 15% in mid-2009 to just 8% this month. Shane Heal is using these recent polls to drum up support for a Heal-led World Championship campaign. Heal will also refer to a preferred head coach poll on, which Heal leads 99% to 1%.

The Boomers team has “lost its way”, Heal claims in an early draft of a media release leaked to The Bball Scoop.  In the draft, Heal refutes the argument that the polling figures have been influenced by the loss of NBA star Andrew Bogut and All-Euroleague centre Aleks Maric. Heal further claims in the draft that he has a solution to the Boomers woes, utilising the facilities of our Pacific neighbours.  He refused to label it the "Pacific solution".

If this coup is successful, Heal will become the first female hair-coloured head coach in Boomers history.  Several lobby groups have responded positively with the prospect of the change, including universal support from the "More nude sportsmen in magazines" facebook group.  

While Heal is expected to not shake-up the line-up, he will need to make small changes to help justify the coup. Heal is contemplating altering the Boomers offense to the “classic” guard-centric offense from the Barnes era. The last time this offense was employed by the Boomers with Heal at the helm the Boomers finished fourth, Heal boasted in the draft statement.
Aleks Maric
BELGRADE, SERBIA—In a further bid to recruit All-Euroleague centre and Australian Institute of Sport product Aleks Maric, Serbia is set to make yet another change to its state boundary – and possibly its name – to include the Australian home address of Aleks Maric in Sydney, according to a Serbian government official. Under the proposal, Aleks Maric’s family home in Sydney will retrospectively become Serbian land. Serbian officials claim that Maric will surely automatically lose his Australian citizenship status, voiding his previous Australian representation and clearing the way for Serbia to recruit the former Emus gold-medal winning centre.

According to sources within the Serbian government, the name of the nation may change to “Serbia & Maric”, in part to re-use the unsold “S&M” t-shirts and paraphernalia that became redundant when Serbia became independent from Montenegro in 2006. Serbia became independent by default as the 'negros, bucking worldwide trends, voted for segregation. This had the added advantage of reducing the number of sadomasochists visiting local websites, according to 'negro officials.

Meanwhile, Aleks Maric has declined an invite to join the Australian Boomers World Championship campaign, with claims of an injury.  In a continuation of cold Serb-Croat relations, Maric was overheard saying that if "that Croat Bogus" can "feign an injury" to get out of the Worlds, then surely a Serb such as himself should be equally capable of being deceptive to get out of national duties.  Maric quickly defended these claims, stating that being duplicitous is supposed to be applauded by Australians, as proven by Julia Gillard's ascension to Prime Minister.  Maric claims that he hasn't snubbed Australia because unfairly treating another race would be "un-Serbian", according to revisionist Serbian propaganda written by Slobodan Milošević in 2001.
SYDNEY--As has become a tradition of Basketball Australia’s quarterly meetings, the issue of a switch of season has been brought up for discussion, a league spokesman stated. The last major switch of season occurred in 1998 when the league went from a winter sport to a summer sport.  This coincided with the already existent steady decline in popularity of the sport.

“Of course, we haven’t agreed on the most appropriate switch of season for the national league yet,” Basketball Australia chief Larry Sengstock said following the meeting. “However, to demonstrate that our discussions regarding this issue are not completely futile and do produce definite decisions leading to tangible outcomes, we have unanimously voted to approve the switch from spring to summer for the 1st of December. This additionally keeps us in line with FIBA standards which state that ‘FIBA competitions must adhere to the same seasonal nomenclature as is standard in each respective country’. This puts us even more in line with FIBA standards.”

“This marks yet another productive outcome for Basketball Australia, as we also voted a few weeks ago in favour of a switch from winter to spring on September 1,” Sengstock added.