BA chairman and Telstra CEO David Thodey
SYDNEY—Six months after the Boomers lost to an under-manned New Zealand team in the 2009 FIBA Oceania series, scientists are still scouring videotapes of the series to find evidence of Brett Brown’s involvement as head coach.  In spite of the lack of evidence, Basketball Australia insists that San Antonio Spurs assistant coach Brett Brown indeed coaches the Australian men’s national team.

“We trust that he is doing something that can be classified as coaching,” Basketball Australia Chairman and Telstra Chief Executive Officer David Thodey told the lone reporter at the news conference.

While the decision to appoint Brown as head coach was not straightforward, Basketball Australia remains confident it made the right decision. In a reversal of the traditional BA decision-making paradigm, a Thodey-led BA used high price as a key factor in its decision-making. “Brett Brown’s asking price exceeded Brian Goorjian’s asking price,” Thodey said. “As is consistent with the mentality of Telstra customers, we assumed that a higher price correlates with a higher quality of service.”

“Surely the higher price must be a premium for excellence,” Thodey said, before quietly calling to Telstra’s marketing manager to suggest this exact phrase as Telstra’s sales slogan.

“Furthermore, in the process of appointing a head coach, Basketball Australia concluded that an NBA assistant coach trumped a so-called ‘supercoach’ of a vastly inferior league.”

“Besides, every team that Goojian has coached has subsequently folded or merged. Frankly, we didn’t like the prospect of amalgamating with the Kiwis.”

For a team coached by an NBA coach with an NBA player to lose to a weak New Zealand team in a re-building phase, Thodey said he presumed it must have been part of Brown’s cunning plan. “He must have something huge under his sleeve.”

An anonymous source at Basketball Australia claimed to have seen evidence of Brown’s coaching. “Isolating Jawai in the low post or letting Ingles create a shot himself – that’s brilliant coaching right there. It’s classic superstar-driven, NBA-style coaching. Why waste time trying to create team chemistry and a team-first philosophy?”

“Did the best basketball team of all time, The Dream Team, need chemistry?”

When contacted by phone at his Texas ranch, Brown was able to confirm over the hazy Telstra phone line that he had been appointed head coach of the Australian team. Brown claimed that his NBA experience will come in very handy in the international arena.

“The greatest skill in NBA coaching is not in the noughts and crosses – it’s in the management of egos. I’ll be sure to keep the ego of Patty Mills in check. Coming off that Olympics campaign, that kid must have the head the size of a watermelon.”

“I have the perspective of someone involved in the most professional basketball league in the world. Spread the offense, give it to your best player, run iso plays. Everyone else on court can stand around and relax. You know, to conserve energy or something.”

Brown stressed with confidence that he employed this tactic in the Oceania series. “It’s coaching gold in the States. It’s Plan A and Plan B combined. I was so confident that I didn’t even need to watch any of the game myself,” he said.

“I presume we won,” Brown added.

“I was more concerned about how we (the Spurs) would cover for the loss of Bruce Bowen.”

Brown considered Jawai’s involvement in the series as crucial to the success of the team, since he had not heard of any other player on the team due to their lack of NBA exposure. “Jawai was the only NBA player on the team. Of course he was going to be the focus. Of course we ran NBA-style plays for him. That’s what he had got used to… in his (6-game) NBA career.” Asked specifically what that involved, Brown said, “one of the guards passes him the ball and we hope he gets a high percentage shot.”

Meanwhile, Brown has continued to use the prospect of the Boomers competing in the NBA Development League as an added justification for his appointment. It is expected that the Boomers will use this experience to observe and further refine selfish, stagnant offense, minimal defense, and to develop more experience with an offensive playbook consisting entirely of isolation plays. “The NBADL is perfect for this team,” Brown stated.
JO Blogs
18/2/2010 09:56:30 am

Are you serious.. pay him more money and he sounds like he doesnt have a clue.. yeah he hasnt heard of anybody so give the ball to Jawai and hope he scores???? wats that! there are players ten times better not that he's not good but lets face it .. he's in the NBA because of his height! and co ordination .. gosh Boomers are in trouble!!


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