Zac Delaney nearly touches net
WOLLONGONG—Lured by the misinterpreted offer of a "training session open to the public" as reported on the Wollongong Hawks website, local kid Zac Delany yesterday slipped unnoticed into a Wollongong Hawks training session, joining the black team.  By the end of the session, Hawks head coach Geordie McLeod had announced that Delany was their new development player.

Despite his small stature, Delany proved to be a formidable player, making two successful passes and connecting on twelve high-fives during the scrimmage. 

Since the announcement of the survival of the Wollongong Hawks team for the 2009/10 season, the Hawks have been under severe budget restrictions. "We are a bit short on cash and we do need another development player," Wollongong coach Gordie McLeod told our source. "It makes sense to recruit him, doesn’t it?"

"What do we call an obvious decision, Zaccy?" McLeod said slowly and deliberately, motioning Delany to provide the answer.  "A no-brainer!" exclaimed an excited Delany, immediately raising his hand for yet another masterful high-five.

"We didn’t want to fork out the cash to advertise the development player position, so why not [give the development position to Delany]?" McLeod continued.  "Give it to little Zaccy here," he said patting a proud Delany on the head.

As a development player, Delany may not see any court time, but his impact on the fan base is expected to be positive. "He’s an instant crowd favourite: a marketing bonanza," club CEO Wayne Morris told our source. "The crowd will surely support him like they do when a kid is shooting for a $50 Dimmocks voucher at half-time. Except little Zaccy will be around all the time. They'll be cheering him on to get a basket in the warm-ups, I'm sure."

"Zaccy tells us he’s a "wicked towel waver" and he is "a quickdraw" at getting the drink bottles out," McLeod said.  "He will also give the blokes in the box behind our bench a better view of the action. What more can you ask for in a development player?"

Morris interjected, "Shouldn’t it be developmental player?"

"Yeah, we put the ‘mental’ in ‘developmental player’," McLeod joked. Delany momentarily looked confused before furiously waving his towel in an obvious attempt to impress the coach.
MELBOURNE—In what is being described as a masterful maneuver in time management by Basketball Australia chief Larry Sengstock, an NBL fan plans to use the 8 minutes lost game time – a result of the change from a 48 minute game to a 40 minute game – to wait in line to buy a hot snack.

"Last season I’d leave to get hot food at half-time and I’d usually miss about 8 minutes of game time waiting in line to buy hot food," local fan Jim Garrison told the reporter at the hastily arranged news conference. "I figured if I timed my arrival to the hot food area well enough so that it overlapped with the 8 minutes of lost game time, I wouldn't miss any action. I’d be able to see the whole game!"

Basketball Australia head Larry Sengstock heralded this as yet another shining example of the benefit of the reduction to a 40 minute game, along with "a lower average number of controversial refereeing decisions per game" and "a lower average number of turnovers per game, surely indicative of a higher quality of play."
TOWNSVILLE—Townville Crocodiles import point guard, Corey Williams, was inconsolable yesterday when a teammate let it slip that the National Basketball League used to have a program called "Taking it to the Streets".

The disclosure was produced by Cameron Tovey’s flippant response to yet another assertion by Williams that he is the best streetballer in the universe following a Williams drive through heavy traffic resulting in a simple layup.

"The NBL’s not streetball, dude," a frustrated Tovey said according to our sources. "The closest thing was the Taking it to the Streets games of a few years ago, but we don’t do that shit anymore!"

Upon hearing that he missed out on an apparent streetball version of the NBL – one which had the added bonus of the acronym "TITTS" – Williams displayed a rare moment of vulnerability and immediately broke down into tears in the corner of the gym.

"The years of projecting an ultra-confident exterior must have finally got to him," Townville coach Trevor Gleeson told our source. "You can only hold up that facade for so long. Underneath the confident bravado he is actually a deeply troubled man.  He spends his life seeking validation from others because his father was very critical of him when he was growing up. To compensate for this lack of support, he has established an extremely arrogant persona, an alter-ego of sorts.

"But don’t tell him that, will you? His whole game is based on harnessing this feigned confidence."

"It was an honest mistake," Crocs forward Cameron Tovey said about his slip-up. "I know coach didn’t want him to know about it. All he talks about in training is how he is the silver surfer, the most dangerous player in streetball, NBA killer, The King of Streetball. I had enough, you know."

"I have to admit I wasn’t really thinking, just like when I play a game," Tovey admitted.

The Crocs staff and players quickly agreed not to tell Williams the true nature of the Taking it to the Streets program.  They agreed it was better for Williams to release these emotions than tell him his mental breakdown was based on a misunderstanding.

During the emotional outburst, Williams remained coiled up in the corner of the gym. "In New York City born and raised, on the playground where I spent most of my days," Williams was overheard attempting console himself while quietly sobbing. "Chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool, and all shooting some b-ball outside of the school," he mumbled before falling asleep.

He was later overheard mumbling in his sleep, "why aint I never not good enough for ya, pappa?"

This mumbled statement was enough to register his tenth triple-negative of the session, a new league record. When told of his double-digit triple-negative the next day, Williams proudly stated, "yo, yo, I told you! I told you! You aint thought I couldn't top the 23 threes in a game for impressiveness. Here's another record to the most dangerous player in streetball! Aint not nobody can beat the NBA killer!"