PERTH—Basketball Australia CEO Larry Sengstock has congratulated the Perth Wildcats for equaling his record of five championships, taking “over 13 years longer” than himself to win five championships.

As time expired in the deciding game 3 of the Grand Final series, it took under one second for Fox Sports commentator, Brian Taylor, to proclaim that the Perth Wildcats had become the “most successful team in NBL history”.  However, Sengstock was quick to point out that these five championships took 29 attempts to achieve.

“I don’t want to rain on their parade. Winning five championships is an impressive feat, but it took them over 28 years to do it,” Sengstock commented after the deciding game. “Of course, by comparison, it took me only 15 years to collect five of them.”

“It took Perth nearly twice as long as me and the assistance of hundreds of players to equal my record. Put that way, they’re not as good a club as they think they are, are they?”

Perth’s celebration went late into the night, but Sengstock warned Perth fans to not get too excited by the achievements of their club.

“Let’s not get too carried away. They are no David Stiff yet,” Sengstock said, alluding to the record six championships won by retired forward David Stiff. The Wildcats require one more championship, two hundred travel violations, and seventy-two fouls to equal the NBL records held by David Stiff.
Martin Cattalini steals stadium fixture
PERTH—Management at Challenge Stadium were outraged last night as members of the Perth Wildcats basketball team allegedly trashed the venue during their championship celebrations. 

Among the alleged misdemeanors by the Wildcats staff and playing group was petty theft via the removal of fixtures (including both nets) and the littering of confetti and balloons.  The misbehaviour was apparently fueled by alcohol, most notably champagne, according to witnesses. As players went into the crowd to celebrate with fans, Challenge Arena staff additionally allege that the players proceeded to vandalise fans' t-shirts and singlets by "tagging" them.

'Red Army' Rising

Challenge staff have previously expressed concerns about the aggressive tendencies of some Wildcats players, particularly serial provocateurs Martin Cattalini and Shaun Redhage, but did not believe that these players would incite their teammates to be involved in destructive damage to property.

For many years Challenge management have been increasingly concerned about the direction of of the Wildcats organisation as signs of radical authoritarianism have become more accentuated. Recently there has been a surge in radical conformity of the Wildcats fanbase, with some outside observers claiming that the development of a Wildcats "Red Army" will have potentially dire consequences. The Red Army has been seen rehearsing acts of insurrection with several cases of coordinated rythmic clapping and rowdy protest-like chants of "defence". Outside observers fear that the development of the Wildcats "Red Army" along with the dominance of the Wildcats organisation will ultimately result in the destruction of humankind. With a redheaded coach and assistant coach in charge of the playing group, experts are not surprised by these recent developments.
WOLLONGONG—The Grand Final series is heating up as the race to be the most Martin-ous team of the Grand Final series remains tied at two Martins each. Wollongong's Luke Martin and Rhys Martin evenly match up against Perth's Damian Martin and Martin Cattalini.

To gain ascendency, Perth were considering obtaining the services of Martin Iti, before realising that they already have a tall, uncoordinated and overrated centre in Luke Schenscher.

In a desperate bid to out-Martin Wollongong, Perth have invited channel 9 news journalist Ray Martin to sit courtside in the deciding game 3 on Friday night. 

If this late bid is unsuccessful, it is believed that Perth will use the gaol contacts of Tiny Pinder to get Martin Bryant out of his maximum security psychiatric ward for a day trip to Challenge Stadium.  Martin Bryant is believed to be extremely excited by the idea of being surrounded by so many people all covered in blood red clothing.

"If only the Bullets were in the Grand Final," Bryant told reporters.
PERTH—Perth Wildcats coach and everyone’s favourite redhead, Rob Beveridge, has pulled off a remarkable maneuver by successfully claiming underdog status in the contest of being regarded as underdogs against the team more highly fancied as underdogs, the Wollongong Hawks. 

As both sides desperately sought the highly coveted underdog status leading into game one of the Grand Final series, Beveridge has pulled off a remarkable and unexpected switch of strategy by guaranteeing himself an underdog status of sorts while surely confusing all of Wollongong in the process.

“Everybody has been talking about Wollongong’s underdog status all season,” Beveridge told reporters at the Perth Wildcats training session. “Since we finished the regular season on top, they’ve continued saying that they are the underdogs in this grand final contest. So we surely must be the underdogs in the contest to be seen as the underdogs. Our team is really up against it.

“We are David against the Goliath of underdogs, Wollongong,” Beveridge continued. “Wollongong’s own arguments confirm that we must be the underdog underdogs.”

From Forrest Gump to Steven Bradbury, everyone likes underdogs, but only if they are successful, argued Beveridge. “Can you imagine the film Forrest Gump if he just sat on a park bench the whole film?” Beveridge asked.

“We finished first in the regular season. You have a choice of barracking for the loser regular season runner-ups, or the young, spirited successful underdog underdogs, the Perth Wildcats,” Beveridge said, rousing the media contingent to a Wildcats chant. The media contingent proceeded to stand and clap, chanting “Wildcats”, until the home team scored.

Well accustomed to the battler club status, former West Sydney coaches Gordie McLeod and Rob Beveridge are unfamiliar with the pressures associated with expectations of victory. Both coaches have used their underdog status all season long to motivate their players and gain the coaching credit associated with guiding a team of overachievers. Establishing the club as the underdog also helps build morale and pride amongst the fanbase, while effectively consoling them in the case of a loss.

Wollongong’s season has been described as a “Cinderella story”, if Cinderella was placed on life support and needed an Indian entrepreneur to offer $1m to guarantee her receiving medical treatment. But now that Wollongong has been taken off life support, Wollongong is ready to walk down the stadium aisle on the way to accepting the ultimate ring.  

 “It really is a Cinderella story,” Wollongong journalist Tim Keeble said. “Everyone can identify with Cinderella and the pursuit of her dream of going ‘all the way’ with her Prince char…mpionship.”

“It’s just like a fairy tale. All we need now is a dwarf,” Keeble said, before excitedly realising that Zac Delaney was on the squad.