SYDNEY—Basketball Australia CEO Larry Sengstock today held a press conference to herald the imminent return of a sponsor that "actually sells something concrete and real". Sengstock proudly proclaimed the sponsor produces "something you might purchase in a shop".

“This is a proud return to Australian basketball’s halcyon days when people recognized the signs on courtside boxes and the stickers on the court,” Sengstock told the reporter.

“This new sponsor sells a product that is concrete and real. Even more concrete than the Perth Wildcats principle partner that uses concrete to construct buildings, I am told. Yes, apparently the Wildcats major sponsor, the Diploma group, are involved in property development, not counterfeit diplomas as I previously believed.”

“I can assure you this new sponsor will sell something useful. You don’t need insurance against that guarantee. But if you did, I’d choose Australia's most obscure insurance company, also Wollongong Hawks’ naming rights sponsor, AHM, whatever those initials stand for.”

“If you thought the announcement of the 36ers naming rights sponsor, Hoodsweeney, was big, this coming announcement will blow you away,” an excited Sengstock concluded.

However, the announcement is of no concern to prominent club owner, Seamus McPeake. “I don’t know what the fuss is about,” McPeake told The Bball Scoop. “Who cares as long as we get some cash.”

“Dodo is under investigation by the ACCC and I don’t even know what OAMPS does, but they both help subsidise Anstey’s contract.”

“For fuck sake, sometimes I can’t even read the name of some of our sponsors!” McPeake added, alluding to the Chinese company written using Chinese characters on the Tigers uniform.
MELBOURNE—Loyal Melbourne Tigers fan Lee Vertannes couldn’t believe his luck when he glimpsed Neighbours stalwart Ryan Moloney, better known on the Made in Melbourne soap as ‘Toadie’, sitting courtside on Friday night at the Melbourne Tigers home game.

“Hey, look, there’s that fat guy from Neighbours!” Vertannes proudly exclaimed to his friends Alex Rice and Joseph Black, both new to the sport. “He’s the one stuffing his face with pie.”

Aiming to continue the proud Melbourne Tigers legacy by introducing new converts to the sport, Vertannes proceeded to suggest that similar kinds of sighting are “not at all rare” at Melbourne Tigers games.

“Sometimes they even get an eliminated Australian Idol contestant to sing the national anthem,” Vertannes told his friends before coming to the realisation that the national anthem has been banned from the pre-game routine by Basketball Australia, effectively ruining any chance to see such similar sightings again. Vertannes elected not to reveal this information to his friends. Instead, Vertannes went on to boast that Tigerman was the same stuntman as the mascot of the "rugby team" and “some AFL club mascot”.
BA chairman and Telstra CEO David Thodey
SYDNEY—Six months after the Boomers lost to an under-manned New Zealand team in the 2009 FIBA Oceania series, scientists are still scouring videotapes of the series to find evidence of Brett Brown’s involvement as head coach.  In spite of the lack of evidence, Basketball Australia insists that San Antonio Spurs assistant coach Brett Brown indeed coaches the Australian men’s national team.

“We trust that he is doing something that can be classified as coaching,” Basketball Australia Chairman and Telstra Chief Executive Officer David Thodey told the lone reporter at the news conference.

While the decision to appoint Brown as head coach was not straightforward, Basketball Australia remains confident it made the right decision. In a reversal of the traditional BA decision-making paradigm, a Thodey-led BA used high price as a key factor in its decision-making. “Brett Brown’s asking price exceeded Brian Goorjian’s asking price,” Thodey said. “As is consistent with the mentality of Telstra customers, we assumed that a higher price correlates with a higher quality of service.”

“Surely the higher price must be a premium for excellence,” Thodey said, before quietly calling to Telstra’s marketing manager to suggest this exact phrase as Telstra’s sales slogan.

“Furthermore, in the process of appointing a head coach, Basketball Australia concluded that an NBA assistant coach trumped a so-called ‘supercoach’ of a vastly inferior league.”

“Besides, every team that Goojian has coached has subsequently folded or merged. Frankly, we didn’t like the prospect of amalgamating with the Kiwis.”

For a team coached by an NBA coach with an NBA player to lose to a weak New Zealand team in a re-building phase, Thodey said he presumed it must have been part of Brown’s cunning plan. “He must have something huge under his sleeve.”

An anonymous source at Basketball Australia claimed to have seen evidence of Brown’s coaching. “Isolating Jawai in the low post or letting Ingles create a shot himself – that’s brilliant coaching right there. It’s classic superstar-driven, NBA-style coaching. Why waste time trying to create team chemistry and a team-first philosophy?”

“Did the best basketball team of all time, The Dream Team, need chemistry?”

When contacted by phone at his Texas ranch, Brown was able to confirm over the hazy Telstra phone line that he had been appointed head coach of the Australian team. Brown claimed that his NBA experience will come in very handy in the international arena.

“The greatest skill in NBA coaching is not in the noughts and crosses – it’s in the management of egos. I’ll be sure to keep the ego of Patty Mills in check. Coming off that Olympics campaign, that kid must have the head the size of a watermelon.”

“I have the perspective of someone involved in the most professional basketball league in the world. Spread the offense, give it to your best player, run iso plays. Everyone else on court can stand around and relax. You know, to conserve energy or something.”

Brown stressed with confidence that he employed this tactic in the Oceania series. “It’s coaching gold in the States. It’s Plan A and Plan B combined. I was so confident that I didn’t even need to watch any of the game myself,” he said.

“I presume we won,” Brown added.

“I was more concerned about how we (the Spurs) would cover for the loss of Bruce Bowen.”

Brown considered Jawai’s involvement in the series as crucial to the success of the team, since he had not heard of any other player on the team due to their lack of NBA exposure. “Jawai was the only NBA player on the team. Of course he was going to be the focus. Of course we ran NBA-style plays for him. That’s what he had got used to… in his (6-game) NBA career.” Asked specifically what that involved, Brown said, “one of the guards passes him the ball and we hope he gets a high percentage shot.”

Meanwhile, Brown has continued to use the prospect of the Boomers competing in the NBA Development League as an added justification for his appointment. It is expected that the Boomers will use this experience to observe and further refine selfish, stagnant offense, minimal defense, and to develop more experience with an offensive playbook consisting entirely of isolation plays. “The NBADL is perfect for this team,” Brown stated.