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Refugee children eagerly await the arrival of NBL players
BALI—Initially introduced as an effort to rid the National Basketball League of unwanted superfluous flab on players, Basketball Australia has now abandoned the controversial ‘Pacific solution’, which involved the trans-Pacific movement of players in order to achieve ‘Pacific shrink’.

‘Pacific shrink’ is a well-documented phenomenon whereby American imports arrive in Australia substantially smaller than their records in the United States indicate. The implication is that basketball players experience physical shrinking as they travel over the Pacific Ocean. In one case in 2005, American import David Bailey was listed by his American agent as a 6’4” guard, but arrived in Australia looking more like a body-double for ’80s TV star Webster.

Numerous trials have been conducted to assess the effectiveness of using Pacific shrink as a slimming technique -- mostly by Rick Burton on regular trips to visit his family in the United States -- but there has been no convincing evidence of success to date.

"We’ve sent [Pero Cameron] heaps of times over the Pacific, but we haven’t noticed any ‘Pacific shrink’ at all," a Gold Coast Blaze employee revealed on the condition of anonymity. "So as my first task for the Blaze I said to my boss Dave Claxton, ‘I, Scotty McGregor, will take on this task scientifimically’. So I put on my white lab coat, went with Pero to Las Vegas and back a few times, and then compared his weight using the NBL website. But his weight has stayed at 120kg for the past four years!"

"I presume the NBL keeps these records up to date," the source added.

If anything, the improved quality of airline meals seems to be doing the opposite. "He’s now looking forward to his trans-Pacific voyages, as do I," the source admitted. "He likes the food, I like the hookers. They're better than Brisvegas."

The 'Indonesia solution'

To act as a substitute for the failed ‘Pacific solution’, Basketball Australia this week proposed the ‘Indonesia solution’. The ‘Indonesia solution’ again puts the onus on foreign parties to deal with a local issue by placing the overweight players in a detention facility in Indonesia.

Under the proposal, overweight NBL players will be fed a strict diet of Mi Goreng noodles, must endure physical challenges such as removing fallen objects from their shanty houses as a result of earthquakes, and will be forced into regular exercise by physically struggling to swim through the regular tsunamis.

"I know we said this when we changed season from winter to summer, and also when we introduced the points cap, but this is one hell of a silver bullet of a solution," an NBL spokesman said at the press conference held at the luxurious Balinese Four Seasons hotel. "Those boat people are always skinny and undernourished. If that kind of diet works for those pesky freeloaders, surely it has to work for NBL players."

The plan doesn't just address a political issue for the NBL who desperately need to be seen to be doing something productive. The league is also exploring the opportunity to raise an income by documenting the players' stuggles in an overcrowded detention centre. "This is like The Biggest Loser meets Survivor, but this time for real. If Fox8 can broadcaster tripe like 'The Contender', surely they'll cover this. Fox might actually pay the league for broadcast rights this time."

"Indonesia is an unknown for Australian audiences, apart from Bali. This represents an opportunity for Aussies to learn something about the country." When informed about the 1400 death toll from an earthquake earlier this month, the spokesman shruggled. "See? Show me just one other person who knew about that."

However, this alternative approach to deal with the issue of spiralling BMIs has not been supported by the NBL Players Association, with some within the Association describing this as yet another example of the “oppressive NBL regime”.

"The NBL has undergone many recent changes to the detriment of the players," a Players Association spokesman told Basketball Australia media manager Marc Howard at the press conference. "First we needed to sacrifice our wildly excessive salaries, then we needed to endure school clinics, and now this," he added before taking another sip of his Goddess Elixir Margarita cocktail.

"This kind of oppression will surely make the fatties in the league feel like refugees.

"We aren’t refugees! It shouldn’t be okay to oppress us!

"It’s fine to discriminate on the basis of race or nationality, but not BMI."
 


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